Three steps to help you manage negative emotions

The way I looked at her did not depict grace.

I battled with my conscience for two interminable seconds. Although my mind whispered to me: “Raise my hand and smile back at her” yet, my hands remained firmly gripped to the wheel, and my face, frosty as a flint. As soon as I drove past her white van, I felt it - this tug in my heart probing me to rewind and reflect on what had just happened.

An hour before, it was school run time. That morning, after my daily devotion, I struggled. Between searching frenetically for my son’s PE* top, gobbling half a banana and some nuts, facing oppositional behaviours and sorting out some last-minute issues, I was drained! That morning felt like pulling a heavy cart only to advance by a few millimetres. Yet, I remained “calm”, listening to inspired music while driving—the picture-perfect of a mum-who’s-got-it-all-under-control.

"The emotional upheaval of the morning preparations had taken its toll."

But who was I kidding? My “calm” and “composed” self becomes really annoyed when a white van almost blocked the road when I, the priority car, engaged on the single-lane bridge. No external signs of anger did I display. Not at all. Yet, inside I was bitter. The emotional upheaval of the morning prep had taken its toll on me!“Lord God, please forgive me.”I prayerfully asked, “and reveal to me why I felt that way”. I didn’t get a clear answer immediately, but as I made room in my overloaded mind to listen to God, He answered me.

New insights

“It is not because You spent a few moments with Me in the morning that you are immune to feeling negative emotions.” I felt God saying to me. I was stunned! Then, I wrestled with the idea. It sounded so totally contradictory: having my morning devotions, yet experiencing negative feelings? What was I missing here? It took me some time to unpack it. Therevelation was a major milestone in my journey with God. (As Chad Hall, a Christian Executive Coach said,“an emotion is negative if you want less of it in your life.”)

"An emotion is negative if you want less of it in your life." Chad Hall

Let me start with an illustration. Imagine that I dug a big hole in the sand and buried all my frustrations: anger, sadness, fear and co.; they would still be present in the sand, hidden from the view. Yet, as soon as a storm would come and the sea shovels out the sand, my buried emotions would resurface as an old shipwreck or, worse, as an unexploded World Wide War II bomb.

In other words, trying to manage our strong negative emotions by hiding or ignoring, or playing them down will most likely backfire. Over time, they will build up and... I let you fill the gap. Don’t be deceived into thinking that the displaying the face of serenity is sufficient when a storm is surging deep inside.

Acknowledge your emotion(s). Name them if you can and bring them to God. Bring them as raw, untamed as you feel them. (I understand this is one of the first steps when developing emotional intelligence.)

The ABC model - my emotional lifeline

Practically, here is a basic model God inspired me to use - the ABC model

1. Acknowledge

2. Breath

3. Call

A few notes bout this ABC I was inspired to create.

• It’s not a just linear, rigid approach to self-regulation.

• Once practiced regularly, these steps will flow almost naturally.

• The ABC basic model can also apply to many intense emotional situations.

• Although basic, this model does require some discipline and sustained practice to be effective. Still from experience, it helped me tremendously.

The three steps of the ABC in a nutshell:

1. Acknowledge. Too often, we skip or ignore this phase; not acknowledging when we are out of balance prevents us from seeking help or changing our course of action. Take a moment to pause. Observe the changes in your mood, physiology, reactions. In Psalm 42: 11, David acknowledges his emotional state and even challenges it: “Why am I so sad? Why I am so upset?” (ICB version)

2. Breath deeply. This is also called diaphragmatic breathing. It helps us relax, slows the heart rate and helps manage stress. More information on deep breathing.

3. Call onto God. Psalm 50:15 says"Call upon Me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me." God invites us to call upon Him in difficult situations. A priceless invitation. A lifeline in the midst of turmoil.

Not the "why" but the "how to"

“It is not because You spent a few moments with Me in the morning that you are immune to feeling negative emotions.” Now I realise that my part is to bring any emotional burden to God as soon as I feel them. He will bring me peace, still mature me, shape me and make me stronger in Him in the process.

Reflecting, God didn’t tell me why I felt that way but rather how to manage better what I felt deep inside. My self-management prayer is now: “Dear Lord, I am annoyed. I try to remain calm, but it doesn’t work. I need You now. I am ready to swap my emotional baggage for Your great peace by faith. Please keep my mind and heart safe through Christ Jesus. Amen! The quick version is: “Lord Jesus, help me! I am *….. Please give me Your peace. I receive it by faith. Amen!”

As I learn to bring my emotions daily to God, as I receive His peace, I become more equipped to show grace and forgive others. A double-blessing!

Lord God, I relinquish your sense of emotional independence to You. By faith, I give you my stressful feelings and receive in return Your Strength, Guidance and Peace. Thank You for transforming me every day to Your Image so I can, in turn, share Your grace and mercy with others.

(* PE : Physical Education)